peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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