He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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