I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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