I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
