Already got asked if we're dating
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.