I cockslap morals
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake