okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know