I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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