I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
