Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
