R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
