the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
