Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize