Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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