today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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