We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
