Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
either way he was missing a nipple.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
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The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
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he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
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