I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
