Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
