Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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