First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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