i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
