Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
