Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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