Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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