new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Randomize
