Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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