I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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