I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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