Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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