How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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