oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
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