he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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