I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i love accidental penises.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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