Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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