no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
