All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
