if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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