you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize