20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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