and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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