My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize