i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
