So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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