Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
