it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
