i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
