I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
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I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
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Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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