I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
