so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
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Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
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I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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