I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
