Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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