just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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