dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Your dad touched me again.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups