I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.