the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
