I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
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