Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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